ACADEMY OF GUIDANCE & DEVELOPMENT

The most sensitive and delicate issue.

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Most of us have entered into marriage without any preparation. Sometimes our expectations are too high, or there could be misunderstandings. This could lead to a growing sense of isolation, monotony or drifting apart. Added to that is the fact that marriages are supposed to be made in heaven, and once married, we are supposed to live happily ever after. Whether you have a problem with each other, with your in-laws, or with any other outsider, it is important that husband and wife develop a good understanding, and that is what counseling will aim at.

        The same way as you would take precautions when you have even a small health problem, it is better to tackle the ups and downs of marriage as and when they occur.

Ask yourself the following questions:

Has communication between you and your spouse come down to
   mundane domestic matters?
Do you feel that your spouse just does not understand you?
Do you fight with your spouse ? (If the answer is no, you are bluffing.)
Do you bring up the past in your fights ?
Do your fights end up in blaming each other or trying to control each
   other ?​
Do you feel that your fights arc leaving you with a bitter taste?
And much worse than the above:
Do you feel there is no point in fighting any more?​​​
        If you cannot resolve your differences, if you cannot agree to disagree, or if you feel that you are drifting away from each other, seek counseling. If you are seeking counseling alone, the counselor can only help you cope with the situation, and perhaps bring in changes within yourself so that the overall quality of your life improves. The counselor can also help you cope with what appears to be an impossible situation. If both of you WILLINGLY go for counseling, a lot can be done to improve your marital relationship.
        The counselor will talk to each of you separately. Please respect the privacy of your spouse, even if you feel there are no secrets between you two. The counselor will try to go into your emotions, what is hurting you most, and where the pain lies. He will try to clear misunderstandings, improve communication between you two, and perhaps start a process of slowly bargaining ("If your spouse is willing to oblige you on THIS, will you come forward to do THAT?"). First the bargaining will be on small issues, and then the bigger ones will be tackled.
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        It is a fact that many marriages crumble, or just drag along lifelessly, only because of misunderstandings or lack of communication. Counseling can overcome these factors to a great extent. You owe it to yourself (and your children, if any) to try and create a better atmosphere at home. You may not be able to go back to your honeymoon days, but certainly you can live more in harmony as two mature understanding adults.

        In case you have a spouse who is absolutely closed to the idea of counseling, you can still seek counseling alone and the counselor will help you to broaden your horizons, emotionally insulate you from your hurt or pressures, and perhaps give a deeper meaning to other aspects or relationships in your life.

-Dr. Ali Khwaja.