ACADEMY OF GUIDANCE & DEVELOPMENT

The reason is that we are trying to reduce the symptoms without tackling the cause. It is like trying to bring the fever down without eradicating the infection. When we find ourselves in such an exasperating situation, we need the help of another person to be our mirror and to show us what exactly is happening, rationally. We need the help of an objective person to set our perspectives right, and to work towards improving the strained relationship, not by trying to change others, but by eliminating the differences between us and them.
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        When we go for counseling with regard to interpersonal relationships, the counselor gives us a patient hearing, understands our deepest hurts and anguish, and then begins the process of trying to help us set our perspectives right. It is possible that we are attributing motives to the other person when there aren't any. It is also possible that the other person is reacting to a supposed hurt that we have caused involuntarily. Perhaps we are giving too much importance to the spoiled relationship, and allowing it to control our life. When the counselor helps us understand "why" the other person is behaving badly, and how his past has probably conditioned him, it becomes much easier to tolerate his traits and to get along with him, perhaps even change him eventually.
        There is no guarantee that the counselor can help us improve a strained rained relationship. But he can definitely help us look at the problem more objectively, improve our coping mechanism, focus on other positive issues, and learn to balance the good and bad of life. It is definitely possible to change our attitude and feel better about our life even with the irritant continuing.
        On the lighter side, there was the story of a man who borrowed a thousand rupees from his neighbor, and despite his best intentions, could not repay for a long time. One morning the neighbor lost his patience and came to his door to give him an ultimatum. "I don't care how you do it, by tomorrow morning same time I am coming to your house, and I want the money."  With that threat he walked off. The poor man ran from pillar to post the whole day, and could not raise the money from anywhere. He came back late at night absolutely dejected and depressed. He went to bed. but could not sleep. His wife woke up in the middle of the night and found him tossing and turning. On inquiring. he told her the whole story. She promptly got up and went to the window, and started calling out to the neighbor. The neighbor woke up and opened his window sleepily. She announced to him "My husband spent the whole day trying to get the money to repay your loan, but despite his best efforts, could not do so. When you come in the morning he will not be able to give you the amount." With that statement she closed the window, came back to bed and told her husband, "Now he will not sleep the whole night, you better go to sleep."
        If we develop a positive frame of mind, if we learn to look at the brighter side of things, and if we are FOR something instead of being AGAINST something, we can transform our lives. And counselors will vouch for the fact that when you bring about a change in yourself, you will be surprised to see others treating you much better.
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        It is a fact that there are just a negligible number of "evil" people in this world. Most people have both good and bad qualities. When we become emotionally stressed out, we tend to focus only on the negative qualities of the other person, and that pulls us down to the extent that we allow him to govern and spoil our life. Through rationalization we can learn to look at the good and the bad, and to balance them with our own shortcomings, thus paving the way for a more understanding and harmonious relationship.

-Dr. Ali Khwaja.